


Dead And Breakfast

by yourrockyspine



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Ghosts, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Fluff and Smut, Gallows Humor, Humor, M/M, Porn with Feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-14
Updated: 2018-10-14
Packaged: 2019-08-01 17:39:44
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,345
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16288940
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yourrockyspine/pseuds/yourrockyspine
Summary: After his Mum's demise, Merlin kept her beautifully-maintained B&B up and running.And though he mostly loves having his mother's ghost nearby, it's some of the other deceased residents that make it exceedingly hard to please his (living) clients.[This was originally going to be a Happy Merloween chapter, but it's just too silly and whimsical. No scary here, just utter madness. And a spot of smut and romance.]





	Dead And Breakfast

**Author's Note:**

> For the dreadful title, I have no excuse... except for my undying love for **The Gingerdead Man** ; a truly terrible yet DELIGHTFUL camp horror flick starring American treasure Gary Busey as - you guessed it - the Gingerdead Man.
> 
> It has a sequel called **The Passion of the Crust**. I mean, for fuck's sake. 
> 
> Find these films and make your Halloween night one to remember. Just go with me on this.

The Emrys Lodge B&B had just opened to the public, and Merlin was in the middle of scrubbing the kitchen counters when the bell rang.

"WILL!"

A series of grunts and curses confirmed that Merlin's shouts had not gone unnoticed. Whether or not they'd go ignored was still up in the air.

Merlin continued to scrub down the counters as Hunith had instructed, a situation made altogether unbearable by his mother's presence hovering nearby and shaking her ghostly head in disapproval whenever he missed a spot.

Most people would agree that having a dead mum sucked, but none of them could ever feel Merlin's turmoil.

"The counters are looking lovely, dear boy, but isn't it about time you emptied the bins?"

Merlin refrained from smashing his head into his perfectly shiny kitchen cupboards, and only because he knew he'd be the one mopping up the skull fragments and brain matter. He leveled a look of pure dismay at his interfering pest of a ghost mum.

"Taking out the rubbish is Will's job, as you bloody well know, so how about you let me do my thing and I'll let you do yours - provided it doesn't entail you telling me what I already know."

Back when Hunith was alive and well, Merlin wouldn't have dared sass his beloved mum, but back then he'd been 16 years old and unemployed. Right this moment he was 20, alive and in charge of the family B&B, and Hunith just had to deal with the changes being made around the place.

"Seems like Will's busy welcoming our first guest of the season. That seem like a good idea to you, then?"

Goddamnit, not even death could dampen Hunith Emrys's keen eye for trouble.

"You stay here and put your ghostly magic to good use; I'll go and deal with the utter plonker I unwittingly left in charge of hospitality."

***

"I don't give one iota of a toss _who_ you are, mate. If I say your room's not ready, then guess the bloody fuck what? Your. Room. Is. Not. Ready."

Whatever demonic power had previously possessed Merlin to ask Will to keep an eye out for new arrivals (which clearly meant _tell Merlin and let him handle it_ ), Lucifer's underworldly charm had worn off and Merlin was ready to pick Will up and throw him out with the rubbish he was supposed to be taking out.

"WILLIAM! Make like a helicopter and buzz off."

Merlin ignored his best friend's scowl in favour of serving their first customer of the season.

"Terribly sorry about that, sir. Will, he's a character, he is. We've tried for years to housetrain him, but it seems the best we could do was keep him from pissing on the carpet. My name's Merlin, how can I help you?"

The man in front of him was clearly at the end of his tether, and screw it all if that didn't make him look even prettier.

"My name is Arthur Pendragon and I booked a room two days in advance."

"So you have! Terribly sorry, it seems our system's experiencing a bit of a glitch, it happens sometimes with-" 

He'd almost said 'ghosts', but all the current undead residents were under strict instruction not to make a bloody sound as long as there were living guests. Will hadn't changed a bit since dying, so he could stick around for a bit (at least until regular visitors would start noticing the young lad who never aged), but the rest of them, including his mum, were... different. Their encounter with the other side had left them loopy in various ways. If word got out, Merlin would have a media disaster on his hands.

"Anyway, never you mind, we've no other residents so far. Any particular room of preference?"

"I booked the last room on the top floor," the man - Arthur - said rather snappishly.

"Then that's where we'll put you!" Merlin grinned the way that usually disarmed everyone he came in contact with, but it appeared that Arthur Pendragon was a stony sort - no doubt Will's lack of natural charm had put a damper on the man's experience thus far - and it was all Merlin could do to hand the man his room key and offer him a sheepish grin, which went unappreciated.

"If you'd like me to help bring your luggage upstairs, I'd be happy to-"

Well. The man had already stomped off.

Not a problem; plenty of work to be done.

***

Clearly, Merlin had overestimated the amount of work to be done.

Hunith had dutifully scrubbed the kitchen counters, and Will had resorted to his regular job as local jack-of-all-trades, mopping floors, fixing lightbulbs and occasionally shooting Merlin death glares.

"Don't you go giving me attitude, Will, you bloody well know what you did."

The problem with ghosts was that they were belligerent bastards to begin with; never mind the likes of Will, who'd been a rebellious wanker even before his untimely demise.

"I didn't die and come back just to cater to some rich boy's whims, I'll have you know!"

Merlin scoffed. "Tough luck, mate. When said rich boy booked a room in advance, I expect you to do your bloody job and get him sorted. Actually, your bloody job was to fetch me and let _me_ get it sorted, so you scored the screwup hat-trick today. I have a box of plastic trophies in my room especially for that, so I'll just go get you one, shall I?"

"Did you know what he called me?! A scruffy, underemployed desk monkey, is what!"

"And where exactly was the lie in that?"

"Oh, fuck you, Merlin, you know if you weren't my mate I'd be going places."

"And where would that be?" Merlin guffawed. "Wiping Satan's bum?"

"I'd have knocked that fucker off his throne and you know it."

Just like that, they were back to being mates, which is how it usually went.

"Wait... You have a whole box of fake trophies for every time I cock up?!"

***

It was somewhere around nine that the desk bell rang, repeatedly and obnoxiously, and Merlin found a miffed-looking Arthur Pendragon waiting. It seemed the man had just the one expression.

"Is there a problem, sir?"

Arthur hummed. "You tell me, _Mer_ lin. In the past 9 hours, I've experienced several power outages. First the lights. Then the telly. Missed half the footy match, but never mind that, because at least that gave me ample time to take a freezing cold shower in the dark to distract myself. Then I got back to my room, wholly refreshed as you can expect to feel after the kind of shower they give to terrorists to get them to confess, and found that my cashmere jumper was missing."

Merlin's wince was nearly _audible_ , he'd never had such a disastrous first day. But it seemed Arthur wasn't done, because he held up a - rather condescending, Merlin thought - hand to keep him quiet.

"And all that, _Mer_ lin, I could have dealt with. It's a B&B, not a five star hotel, and it only has two employees, one of them who is blatantly rude and incompetent, and the other one, well, jury's not yet out."

Another wince.

"What _did_ sort of ruin my night was that I tracked down the culprit who raided my room. He had my jumper under his right arm. Want to take a stab in the dark at what was under his left?"

Okay, Merlin would be wincing until it became a perpetual nervous tick. "It... wouldn't be his head, would it?"

Arthur banged a fist on the desk and bellowed, "YES, Merlin, that man. Was carrying. A. Human. _Fucking_. Head. And it was HIS BLOODY OWN!"

Merlin dropped his head in resignation and muttered, "Christ's sake, Rhod, you had one job."

"So who- No, I'm getting that wrong, aren't I? _What_ , exactly, is Rhod?"

"He's a, uh, permanent guest. Of the very permanent sort."

Arthur's eyes twitched before rolling up to the ceiling in a way that suggested he could not believe what he'd done to deserve this.

"Ghosts. That's... that is fucking great, Merlin, really appreciated the lack of warning, all part of your smashing sense of hospitality, I'm sure."

"Ar- Mr. Pendragon, sir, I am so sorry. This was never meant to happen. The ghosts understand that they're not meant to be seen by most living souls, except for me, and they're usually very obedient; they're not much for socialising anyway. But Rhod's a bit of a petty thief, which I assume is what got him guillotined in the first place. We don't get many rich guests, so I'm afraid you were a bit of an... opportunity, for him."

Arthur's eyes widened. "Are you victim blaming me for the sake of a _convicted dead man_?!"

"NO! No," Merlin waved his hands in ways he assumed were yet another side effect of his permanent wincing disorder. "I'm just saying that rich people like yourself are like... what jewelry is to magpies. We've trained him pretty well, but you have a bit of a corporate bigwig vibe about you and he isn't too keen on those. No victim blaming, just pointing out that Rhod's a bit of a prick with a chip on his headless shoulder."

Something changed. Arthur's eyes stopped their irate twitching, his lips unpursed, and he loosened his angry stance. Then he threw his head back and roared with laughter.

All of Merlin's nervous movements ceased, and instead he looked at the man in front of him with some incredulity.

Still trying to rein in his chuckles, Arthur's face sobered and he looked at Merlin with a strange half-smile. "You're completely off your rocker, mate, you do understand this?"

"Been nothing else for as long as I've lived."

Arthur clapped him on the shoulder. "Well, I'm going back to bed, but I trust your more reliable band of Caspers will keep an eye on the one with the sticky fingers and the lack of head?"

Merlin just gaped. "After all that, you're still... staying? Are you in shock? Shouldn't I call someone?"

Just before taking off for his room, Arthur looked back at Merlin with that curious half-smile. "Last year, my sister lost her fight with leukemia. But let's say I did not lose her in return. Probably felt she had to stick around to bother me until I take a blade to my throat and join her. Would be just like her, the selfish wench. Anyway... night, Merlin."

Merlin didn't leave his spot for a good 15 minutes.

***

The next day at breakfast, Merlin had employed his mum's help. After all, she was the kindest host, and since Arthur knew all about the undead he figured that seeing Hunith's friendly face first thing in the morning might soften the poor night he'd had.

Merlin was in the kitchen, washing the dishes, when Arthur came in.

"Morning. Your mum's a delight."

"That she is. You're technically not supposed to be in here, you know. Staff only."

"Wanna talk to me about places people aren't supposed to be, Merlin? You really wanna have that talk?" Arthur grinned, and it was such a disarming departure from the seemingly embittered, uptight man he'd first met.

"Very well, then, you can help me with the dishes."

"Don't put the boy to work, Merlin Emrys, he's an esteemed guest. I'll finish the dishes and you lads go off and enjoy the morning together. Grab a cuppa and go enjoy it in the garden. Hope you'll love it, Arthur, she's a beaut."

As lovely a suggestion as it was, Merlin distinctly observed the twinkle of crazy-match-maker-mum in those eyes and he did not like it one bit.

***

The morning was crisp and dewy, and the smell of rosemary permeated the area. The wildflowers, cactii and bonsai trees combined with the charming little brick road and the single bench made the garden look like a tiny wonderland.

Arthur let out a deep breath. "Your mum wasn't lying... this is magnificent."

They both sat on the bench, cradling their cups (tea for Merlin, coffee for Arthur), taking in the beauty of their surroundings as well as the fresh morning air.

"Be sure to tell her; this spot is all hers. Whenever she gets frustrated with living the life of the lifeless, she goes here and tends to the plants."

Arthur looked at Merlin with curiosity. "Is she unhappy with her situation?"

"Usually not," Merlin sighed. "But being unable to sleep drives her crazy sometimes. She used to love her Sunday morning lie-ins."

"It's not like that at all with Morgana. That's my sister, by the way. She used to have these night terrors and it made her afraid of sleep. She's happier as a ghost than she was as a human woman. But between constant nightmares and wasting away from a terminal illness, I suppose that makes sense."

"The poor woman. Did she suffer long?"

Arthur cast his eyes down. "Long enough."

"Well, then," Merlin placed a tentative hand on Arthur's shoulder. "Good thing she's living her best life now, dead or no."

Arthur smiled wryly at that. "I suppose you're right. It just makes me sad that she has to hide away in my flat forever. She says she loves it, and mostly I believe her, but... The thing about my sister is, she was such an outgoing person, always the life of the party. As much as she says she's okay with things being the way they are, the truth is she used to get such a kick out of dressing flamboyantly and making grand entrances at parties. And now she'll never get to do that again, unless she wants half the guests to die of shock. Which, really, I would not put past her."

"She sounds amazing. You're lucky to have her around."

"Same with you and your mum," Arthur chuckled. "She loves you a lot. Kept talking you up like you were the Second Coming."

Merlin's face turned a furious red and he ran a hand through his hair. "She's always been the doting type."

Arthur grinned mischievously. "Of that, I'm sure. She doted on me and I'm a complete stranger. But that wasn't all that was."

"What do you mean?" Merlin frowned.

Stretching lazily and smirking, Arthur looked Merlin straight in the eye. "I think she must've mentioned how utterly single you were about six times."

Merlin's groan spooked a couple of nearby crows. "Tell me she didn't."

"Oh, but she did. _Vehemently_ , Merlin."

"Why does she have to be dead when right now all I want is to kill her? How is that fair?"

Arthur once again barked out that full-belly-laugh from the night of the stolen jumper, and Merlin was utterly taken with the sight.

"Untwist your knickers, Merlin, I thought it was flattering that she thought I had a shot with you."

Merlin had never been more grateful he hadn't been sipping his tea, because at that moment he would've joined his mum in the eternal un-life.

"You... _have_ seen you, right?"

Arthur's eyes softened. "Sure. And I've seen _you_."

Merlin got up from his bench, nervous twitch fully back, and just paced about shaking his head. "I knew it. Rhod fucked you up right and proper. I should've taken you to hospital like a decent human being, and instead you're here, still in the throes of shock. What am I like?"

He didn't notice Arthur had gotten up until he placed a warm, solid hand on Merlin's shoulder.

"Whatever kind of crisis you're working yourself up to, leave it out. I'm just saying it's not everyday a nice, caring lady thinks you're good enough for her boy. Especially one that's pretty, hilarious, and surprisingly competent at single-handedly running an establishment full of ghosts and one initially very rude customer. Which I don't believe I ever apologised for, so allow me to say I'm sorry for behaving like an award-winning dick."

Merlin looked down and dimpled, shuffling his feet for lack of anything else to do. "You're not so bad. Plus, sometimes it's okay to be an award-winning dick. Like I'm sure porno awards thrive on that kind of stuff."

Arthur huffed out a laugh. "That's what I mean about you being hilarious. And also incredibly fucking strange."

Having no idea what to do with this kind of flattery, Merlin whipped out his one superpower: deflection.

"Well, uh... I have a lot of work to do, God knows Will isn't gonna do half of it, so I'd best be going. This was lovely, though, we should do it again."

Before he could rush off in mortification, Arthur took him by the elbow and whispered, "When you're done for the day, come to my room."

If he made it through the day without joining his resident ghost tenants, Merlin was awarding himself one of his plastic trophies.

***

Merlin's chores for the day weren't too overwhelming. His mum had seen to the dining room as well as the kitchen, and Will had actually cleaned the entire house, taken out the rubbish, _and_ given Arthur fresh sheets and towels.

The last task on his schedule was the most gruelling by far, but he put on his big boy trousers and went down to the basements.

"Hi, everyone, sorry to disturb you. I hope you've not been too inconvenienced."

The ghosts sat scattered across the room, some playing card games, some dancing around to a respectfully low-volume radio, and others were working at the age-old arcade games Merlin had scored for a wonderfully low price from a close friend whose business closed down.

He figured if they were going to be banished to the basement, they deserved to have some fun.

Alice, a little old lady with a fondness for knitting, looked up from her latest creation and smiled warmly, knitting needles still working furiously despite her focus being elsewhere. She was a trip.

"Never you mind, dearie, it's been all fun and games. We've got Percival watching Rhod."

Percival was a giant of a man with bulging muscles who'd died in a cage fighting match gone horribly wrong. He'd keep Rhod in line alright.

The man in question clapped Merlin on the shoulder in a frightening display of strength. "Slippery bastard tried to pull a fast one on me, but I got him in his place, don't worry, mate," he said, as Merlin struggled to stop wobbling.

"Well, then, that's wonderful. Just one more question for you all," at this he raised his voice. "Mum dug up a couple of old Gameboys at a jumble sale, want me to bring those down?"

A resounding "yes" went through the room.

***

After delivering the Gameboys, Merlin was starting to get anxious.

He had no idea what to do about Arthur's invitation. Well, on the basest level, he wanted to go up there and ravish him within an inch of his life. But he also wondered if perhaps Arthur just wanted to talk some more, or if he'd just been trying to make Merlin blush some more. Perhaps it was just a cheeky joke between mates. Maybe-

"Hello, Merlin. Just finished dinner, and I'm retiring for the night. Wanna come up with me?"

Well... that answered that. Merlin followed Arthur upstairs.

Once they were in the room, Merlin had no idea what to do with himself. Arthur misread his hesitation.

"I'm sorry, I didn't make you feel like doing something you don't want to do. It's just, after your mum's hints, and the way you sometimes looked at me or- Fuck, you probably didn't look at me any different than you look at anyone else and I am _definitely_ a presumptuous shite who should never-"

Merlin may not have known what to do with himself, but he knew what he'd like to do with Arthur. He crossed the room and kissed Arthur, sliding his hands into the other man's hair and licking into his mouth until Arthur groaned and started pawing at Merlin's body, unsure where to get his hands on first.

They toppled onto the bed together, Merlin hovering over Arthur with one leg pressed between his, kissing hungrily and groping every part of the other they could reach.

Merlin pulled back with no little amount of regret. "I feel really weird doing this in my mum's pride and joy."

Arthur smirked and pulled Merlin down for another filthy, wet kiss. "Your mum gave me the idea in the first place, I'm sure she knows what's up," he whispered against Merlin's lips.

Who could argue with that kind of solid logic?

By the time they'd gotten properly tangled up in each other, kissing and nipping and rutting together like teenagers, neither man had the coherency left to divulge of clothing. Instead they'd simply shoved their hands down each other's pants and stroked each other off between furious kisses.

After their frenzied hook-up, they'd both undressed and got into the shower together, where Arthur again captured Merlin's mouth in a toe-curling kiss and a simple clean-up turned into round two instead. 

By the time they'd finally got to the showering part of things, Merlin had learned a great many things: that despite never having sucked a cock before, he'd sure learned quickly and eagerly on Arthur's, and that Arthur's tongue was a work of art. Merlin's mouth, prick and arsehole had been lavished with the kind of endless attention that made him wonder if this was all just the world's most spectacular fever dream. In which case, he hoped to get sick all the time.

When they crawled into Arthur's bed, freshly showered and sated, they lay side by side, smiling insanely.

"I feel like it would be a douche move to put this down in the guestbook under 'excellent service', but good grief, Merlin..."

"I'm just as much of a garbage person as you are, don't worry; I was already thinking of not charging you for your stay and I actually need the money."

They spent the rest of the night like that, laughing and touching and enjoying each other's company, before eventually falling asleep, Merlin curled into Arthur, face pressed into his neck, while Arthur occasionally pressed kisses into his hair before dozing off.

***

To keep up a professional front, Merlin had slipped out of Arthur's room at 7AM, intending to slip into his room unnoticed, wash up and get properly dressed.

Then he turned a corner and found Will, leaning against Merlin's door with narrowed eyes.

"Boff the posh boy, then, did ya?"

"Which would be your business how?"

Will shrugged. "Just questioning your standards, mate. You know he's gonna go home eventually and brag to his former Eton bros about nailing a lowly B&B owner, whereas _you_ , my friend, will spend time between hard work listening to Bright Eyes records and wondering why he never called."

Merlin punched Will in the gut. He may not have the ability to go breathless, but he still felt pain.

"That was one time when I was 14 years old, you twat, I'm mature enough to know what I'm doing."

Will clapped him on the shoulder. "You're right, never mind me. Just want to get up in your business sometimes cause that's what protective not-quite-brothers do, yeah? I trust your judgment. Well, not regarding your choices of shagging partners, but it's not like I have the track record to start bollocking you about that."

"That's settled, then. And I do love your big bro tendencies, you incorrigible wanker."

Merlin was about to go into his room before Will turned around and said, "But, speaking of 'mature'... Rhod got away for a bit and caught some of the show. For a homophobic prick he sure stayed around long enough, if you ask me. Percival sorted him out right and proper, but I can't promise you the thieving fuck hasn't been regaling people with details."

Of bloody course.

***

Arthur was due to leave soon, and a couple of new guests had arrived, so Merlin had his hands full and no time for just the two of them.

They'd occasionally snuck off to a secluded corner to trade snogs, but other than that, work got in the way.

At the end of his seemingly eternal shift, Merlin made his way to Arthur's room, where he immediately collapsed into bed. He had no energy for anything other than trading lazy kisses and snuggling, but Arthur seemed just fine with that. He'd wrapped his strong arms around Merlin, cradling his head to his chest and whispered for him to go to sleep already.

***

The next morning was the one of Arthur's departure, and Merlin did his best to be professional about it. One more Bright Eyes joke from Will and he'd lose his mind.

When Arthur was packed and ready to go, he pulled Merlin in for one last kiss. "You've got my number, I've got yours, and we're not gonna start... well, to use a completely ironic word here, ghosting each other. Yeah?"

Merlin huffed out a laugh. "You'll forget me as soon as you're back to your real life."

"I could never forget you."

It was said so earnestly that Merlin was completely tongue-tied.

Taking pity on him, Arthur pulled him into a one-armed hug, and whispered, "Whenever you've got some time to spare, you'll come over to my flat. I'll introduce you to Morgana, and the three of us will have a great time together talking shit and watching bad 80s films, and then we're kicking her out and fucking on every available surface. That's a promise."

"Suppose I could find the time."

"You'd better. Now, good luck with the rest of the guests, and take care. Also maybe inform one of the basement dwellers to turn down the noise on his gaming device; heard it when I walked past, people are going to start asking questions."

His ghost pals were usually careful and respectful. Merlin had no doubt it was bloody Rhod.


End file.
